Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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