sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
