Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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