i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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