I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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