the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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