her vagina looked like bernie madoff
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
