capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
