There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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