He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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