when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
