So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize