he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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