Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize