i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just found a bag of teeth...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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