Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
