Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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