Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
