Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
