Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
