I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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