Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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