Ambien. No doubt about it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
