someone threw a dead crab at me
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
