the condom got lost in my hair
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
