last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
