I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
