i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
