I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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