Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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