well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
