Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
