i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
