My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
