I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
