Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
