I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
