It's like a parade of train wrecks.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
