Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm like, not good at living.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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