Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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