i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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