Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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