3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just had sex on a roof
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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