so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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