I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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