we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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