Midget sex pt 2 tonight
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
