I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
we're making bets on your personal life
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
being pregnant is like rehab
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
