Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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