I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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