Soap is not a condiment
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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