the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
